Listening

It sounds so simple to listen, to hear what someone is saying. But the truth is far from simple. So often when we are in the act of listening I believe we are acting. When we listen are we thinking of a way to solve "the problem", are we considering our reply, are we wanting to interject and make a point or even point out that we were right. To truly listen is to hold space while someone else thinks and talks and makes sense of their experience.

We are giving someone else the opportunity to take all of the stuff that's spinning around in their head and heart and bring it outside of themselves where they can have a chance to gain some perspective. Where they can look at it and gain some insight and understanding to how they feel and what they want to do. It is supporting them to come to resolution of their thoughts and feelings without an agenda.

I used to think I was a very good listener, I now believe that is not always the case. Especially when I am deeply emotionally connected to the person or situation. Too often I find I am trying to "fix things" and make everything better, trying to stop the pain or flat out take it away, trying to create the outcome I believe they need or I want. If I am doing all of this, what room have I left to exercise faith and show trust in them? What message am I giving them if I am trying to solve it or fix it for them?

When we are sharing, especially very emotionally and vulnerable things, we are doing so because we want validation. On the surface we think it's validation of being right. I think the truth goes much deeper than that. I think we are looking for validation that we exist and we feel and how we feel matters.  I also have come to believe that when we truly listen, most of the time people can come up with their own solutions and insights that will best serve them. Yes sometimes, they do need some guidance and assistance but I don't think we should automatically assume when that is.

When we are truly listening and not just acting like we are and are free of an agenda in the matter; we are open and receptive to the inspiration that can help us to know when guidance and assistance is the right course of action. Pain is not an enemy that needs to be gotten rid off. It is a messenger with a wealth of information. So sometimes even though it's hard to watch, what's best for them is to feel the pain so they can receive the message and make use of the information it's trying to communicate to them.

So when you're listening, really listen. Don't assume, try to fix or point out. Simply give them some time and space without judgement and I think you will start to see more and more people surprise you with how they resolve things and move on without so much involvement and effort from you. And I think you'll be surprised with how much more insightful and reassuring your guidance and assistance becomes.