Recently I had an experience that caused me great pain. My family was fighting. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love my family and I want them to be happy. For me, fighting is contrary to happiness. So of course that means I don't like fighting, especially in my family. Not only do I not like fighting but I try to keep it from happening as much as possible.
Over the last couple of years I have done a lot of learning, growing and work to come to the place where I am now. In this place I don't take things so personal, I'm more relaxed and respond less stress-fully to people and situations. And I am not perfect, so on this occasion I was just not able to get out of some old habits and it made for a very hard day. I jumped right on that train of hopelessness and despair, blaming and feeling guilty; that by the end of the day it was I could do not to call it quits with these relationships.
What it boils down to is, I was not getting what I wanted and I was mad. I was mad at them for not being the way I wanted them to be and doing what I wanted them to do. Then I was mad at myself for not being able to stop it or fix it. Now after several days have passed I am beginning to wonder, who was being selfish, them for doing what they wanted in spite of what I wanted or me for wanting what I wanted to the point that I was refusing to let them choose for themselves?
It's so funny, we decide we want something to the point that we won't let anyone have a choice or a say about it, but if we don't get a choice we have an ever loving fit. Not only that but we judge ourselves by our intentions and we judge others by their actions. It's all a lopsided affair full of blame, shame, guilt and double standards.
I have come to the conclusion that not much separates us from who we are now and the two year old we once were. It really doesn't take much to send us into a fit and meltdown. Just tell us no, we can't have what we want, things aren't the way we thought, etc. and we regress into that two year old, crying, yelling, accusing, stomping, slamming and hitting at who ever and what ever it is we think is the cause of our pain, fear, disappointment and confusion.
I think I am beginning to understand that not all of my hurt feelings were about not getting what I want. I think there is something else happening that is causing a deeper hurt; it's the fact that I was not willing to give them choice. I wanted what I wanted and that was it. It didn't matter what they wanted, so long as I was getting what I wanted. I feel this is contrary to our soul's understanding of what loving someone truly is. To love someone is to give them a choice. Not only do you give them a choice, you give them a choice without conditions.
The human condition is to put conditions on everything, especially on love. You see these conditions all the time in "If, then" statements. If you love me then you won't... If you love me then you will... We think things like, if you hurt me then you don't love me or if you're rude to me then I'm not important to you. But none of this is true. We make mistakes all the time that hurt the people we love and we know we didn't do it because we didn't love them. We know that our mistake that hurt them wasn't about whether we loved them, it was about what was going on with us that we made the mistake. And yet, when they make a mistake that hurts us we make it mean something about us; like they don't love us, care about us, or we're not important to them.
The truth is; we love each other and we make mistakes that hurt each other. It's not love or mistakes, it's love and mistakes. Putting conditions on love sets us up for painful experiences. Not getting what I want doesn't mean I'm not loved or that I'm unimportant to the people I love, it simply means I didn't get what I want for whatever reason. Yes, that's disappointing. But why couple that with the pain of believing something that isn't true and that only serves to cause distrust and hurtful relationships and experiences.
Experiences and relationships are painful enough without us adding the weight of conditions that only lead to more pain, misunderstandings, disappointment and heartache. God teaches of unconditional love. I think he does this because he knows how damaging conditions on love are. Unconditional love doesn't mean not having hopes and dreams. It's having hopes and dreams while leaving an opportunity for love and a choice.
I recognize now that I added to my pain by not giving my family a choice while wanting what I want. I can't control them, I can only control me. If I give them a choice, it doesn't mean I'll get what I want. But it does mean that I am removing the weight and pressure of conditions that will only lead to increased pain and disappointment if things aren't the way I want them to be.
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