What beautiful means to me

I have gotten a personal coach to help me achieve my dreams and I am taking his classes. During one of his classes he asked us a question. This question sparked in me an introspection and reflection about myself and what I want. This whole dream chasing journey has been the craziest roller coaster ride. Did I mention I don't like roller coasters. It has been fraught with emotion and upsets. It has been full of change and inspiration. I have had success and have made mistakes and messes. It has been confusing and enlightening.

Needless to say there have been moments of doubt when I was ready to quit and moments when I couldn't wait for the next step. This reflection helped me to understand some things that I wanted to share with you and leads me to ask you, "What word represents what you are hoping to experience or feel from obtaining your dream?"

 

Last week during the Manifesting Money class you asked us what word represented what we were hoping to experience or feel from going to the Awakening. The first word that came to my mind was beautiful. I felt a little perplexed by it at first but as I have thought about it I understand why it is exactly the right word for me. But it’s not the meaning of beautiful that first comes to mind and may not be in anyone else’s definition of it but my own.

When beautiful came to mind I realized the most beautiful things to me are clean and pure and have an ethereal quality about them. Ethereal being extremely delicate and light in a way that seems to perfect for this world; being of perfect spirit. The most beautiful things can touch the inner most part of a heart and move it to the light, to the best aspects of humanity, to the deepest level of love, gratitude, and healing unlike anything else. It can touch the hardest of hearts that no other thing can reach. It breaches the darkest fears and leaves a trail of hope in its place.

The most beautiful things are seen and heard and move and inspire people to step into the best part of themselves for however brief or long they are willing to be there. In that one moment of contact it touches them in a way that leaves them changed forever. The most beautiful things are counted as precious, cherished, and respected. Because of this they are protected and kept safe at all costs. They are looked up to and looked towards as a means of inspiration, hope, and guidance. They are the light in the darkness that threatens to swallow you up. They are the beacon to look to for direction and support. They are what you hold tight to when everything is wrong and what carries you through to the other side to reach safety.

The most beautiful things are what make the tears bearable and the pain tolerable. They are the balm of Gilead that soothes the weary soul and makes it possible to continue the journey. They are the best and most amazing things in humanity. They are the whisperings of heaven that have floated down to earth and have chosen to remain and inspire humanity to a higher standard of existence and a purer way of being. And for all of the strength and power they have available to communicate, they do it with all of the tenderness and gentility of a newborn baby. They are the sweetest things and because of this evoke deep love, trust, and respect from those that see and witness them.

This is what beautiful means to me and what I wish to experience with all of my heart and soul to the deepest part of me. It is what I fear may never be possible in my life time. It is what inspires me and feels just out of reach no matter how hard I work, how much I give, or whatever I might do in order to receive it. I feel as a bleak Don Quixote reaching for the unreachable star; never to obtain it and never feeling whole or complete without it.

In the desperate need to feel whole I can never quit trying and am left in a vicious cycle that I can never get out of because I can’t walk away until I have obtained it and yet it is unattainable; even if it just feels that way. I feel Einstein’s definition of insanity, “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”, smacking against my forehead telling me to give it up and as much as I want to I cannot. And so it leaves a gapping whole that I cannot possibly hope to fill and is consuming my life to the point that I do not feel like I have a life.

A part of me feels that making any other efforts to heal this after everything else I have done would be pointless. And yet, hope remains. For as many times as I have been shoved down, pushed over, and knocked out; I cannot walk away. Each time something in me whispers to get back up, give it another shot, and try one more time.

It feels like madness to step one foot in this direction as the fear threatens this may be my greatest disappointment of all. And yet my heart beats with the inextinguishable hope that this may finally be the moment I have been dreaming of all along. This may be it; the time when it finally works and everything comes together in my favor and I get what I want, what I have been working for all this time.

 I cannot say if I am Einstein’s definition of insanity and I have finally gone completely insane or if I have finally fought my way to sanity’s shore and am witnessing a new dawn on the horizon. In either case, there is something inside of me that just won’t let me quit and I know that I will have to see the journey to its final destination where ever that may lead. I can only pray that it is what my heart has been hoping for all along and the dream is finally able to be realized.