The Beginning
Has your world ever stopped? Has your heart ever sunk to your knees and your stomach to your toes? That visceral experience of every hair in your body stiffening because you are so shocked is one I pray to the Universe I never ever have to experience again. In 1986, when my mom committed suicide – my life turned inside out and upside down. The excruciating scream inside, was like a wild animal in so much pain – and it couldn’t come out of my mouth. It was stifled by the shock and deep despair that my mother was gone...forever.
Silently I screamed inside of myself, “No no no, dear God don’t do this to me. I need her. She’s my mother. Why? Why? Why are you doing this to me?”
She decided to take her life on Friday June 13th 1986 and she died on Father’s Day, June 15th. I was informed of this life changing event by a police officer at 6 am in the morning, Saturday June 14th. We had to drive 1 ½ hours to get back to the hospital and it felt like I was in slow motion. I was dying inside and horrific thoughts and memories flooded my mind of how she had attempted to kill herself...once again. This was not the first time, however, it was the last.
We finally made it to the hospital and I flew into the intensive care. I had aunts and uncles there with my father and brother. As if I was out of my body I heard the warbled words, “it looks like she’s stable”. All I wanted to do was see my Mom, touch her, hold her and tell her that everything will be alright. I went into intensive care and saw her attached to tubes and wires. She was unconscious, however she was alive. I touched her hair and kissed her cheek... or I think I did. Everything is such a blur...like the worst nightmare you can imagine. I said to her, “Mom you can’t go, we need you. You are so important to us. How can we live without you?”
With the reassurance of the doctors we went home and I called my sister who was studying on the west coast. How the hell do you tell your sister who is so far away that our Mom, once again, tried to take her life. With the most love and compassion I could muster up I dialed the phone. Within one hour she was booked to fly home and was back early Sunday morning. She’s my older sister of one year - my rock. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her because everything will now be okay.
Early Sunday morning we returned to the hospital, and once again we were surrounded by so many aunts, uncles and cousins. Our family is the most awesome family one can ever have. My grandparents had a farm during the Depression and strong family values were breed into each and every one of us. As a side note, my grandmother, known as GGma, by the great grandchildren, use to feed not only 8 children but the hobo’s (as they were called back then) who got off the train. She always had a hot meal and homemade biscuits ready for all. This is why many family members were surrounding us.
Then, all of a sudden, there was a loud speaker that yelled, “code red, code red”. Everything became surreal, and once again, in slow motion. A team of doctors and those shock paddles flew into my mother’s room. My body turned to jello and it felt like all my blood was draining from my body. We had to leave her room and stand in the hall waiting for the verdict. All I remember is leaning up against the cold wall, trembling and shaking with agonizing pain. Then everything stopped. Silence was upon us. The doctor’s told us my mother was dead... and then, I did scream. Or I thought I screamed.
I loved my mother more than words can describe. Kind of like that book by Robert Munsch, ‘Love You Forever’, which I could never read to my children without crying.
Fifteen years later our family went through the same thing. My father remarried a lovely woman who killed herself in 2001. Why, oh why is this happening again? Why do people do this? I don’t get it.
I get it now. This pain has sparked my passion, the fire within, to assist and guide people to not only see their inner beauty but feel it. Unfortunately, my Mom, step-Mom and many others who have committed suicide could not see their wonderful strengths and gifts they were born with. That intense pain spurred me to believe in people and mirror back to them their shining light. I call myself a ‘belief buster’. Those pesky beliefs such as, I’m not good enough, or I’m not important or I’m failing, are corrupt stories that we all develop, however they have a powerful affect on our thoughts, choices and our lives. Many people feel that the only way out is to leave this planet. I believe there is another way and I guide others to see this Divine way.
To close, I’d ask you to...Imagine....every single person is a unique piece of a puzzle which makes up the Universe. Now imagine that each piece is important, connected and dependent on all the others. Our distorted beliefs make us shrink, which affects the whole puzzle...the whole universe. Playing small, shrinking creates a misaligned world. Being you and allowing your authentic inner light to shine puts the puzzle back into alignment...and we all thrive together. You are needed...you are awesome...and you have a purpose in this four letter word called life.
Written By Cathy Lumsden
Cathy Lumsden is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker who has over 25 years of touching thousands of individual adults, families, teenagers and children’s lives. Cathy is the host of a weekly TV show called “The Best Advice”. She interviews experts on relationships from all over North America - inspiring people to create vibrant healthy relationships with their partners, children, colleagues, and most importantly...with themselves
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