Between taxes, a birthday and doctor's appointments it has been a very busy month. We had some unusual things happen last year that I needed information on before I could do taxes. This left me filing my taxes on April 17. I have never filed taxes so late before and it is definitely something I don't want to have to do again. My son is now a seven year old! Time goes by so quickly, too quickly sometimes.
Now for the doctors, it has been one appointment after another. I haven't been to the doctor in two years and in four weeks I have been seven times and have had several blood draws and three ultrasounds. When you start talking lumps people start talking cancer. It has been stressful but I have had a lot of love, support and kindness.
I went in to have an ultrasound guided biopsy. The results have come back non-malignant, non-cancerous! That is a relief. As stressful as it was I felt that things would ultimately be okay. It also brought me new insights that have helped to give me a better perspective. Now I was not all positive every things great and okay. I had my moments of being overwhelmed and feeling very emotional. There were some rough days. Just ask my family.
It was in one of these moments when I was considering my life and what might happen, feeling a bit down and worried as I did so, that I had this idea come to me. If things did turn for the worst, the worst would be dying, which really wasn't as bad as it sounded. If I did die then all it would mean is that I ended up going exactly where I eventually wanted to end up anyway, which is with my heavenly family. Then I thought of that phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". So either this would kill me and I would go to my true home or I would survive it and be stronger. I would be that much closer to being that person who is ready to return home.
Now I don't mean to be morbid or sound like dying now is so great because I can leave here and go where I truly want to be. I just wanted to place things in a perspective away from fear. Ultimately I believe that the work we do not finish here we will have to finish there. I'd rather get as far as possible than have to do makeup work later. I also want to be as ready and prepared as possible and I believe that work is done here.
I actually had this aha moment the night before my procedure when I was feeling very scared. After it happened a peace came over me that lasted through the next day during my procedure. I wanted someone to go with me but I had to go by myself since no one was able to. Even though I was by myself, I was not alone. I felt the presence of others there with me by my side. I felt calm assurance. I felt love and I felt cared for. I cannot fully explain the things that happened that morning but I can say with assurety that there were others there with me in spirit.
I know that there are times when we must walk alone in this world through dark times that are hard to bear. However, even though we walk alone in body we are never alone in spirit unless we choose to be. There is always those who would walk with us and even bear us up if we invite them, welcome them to do so. There are many whom we cannot see that strive, labor, fight for us and are invested in our return home because of their love for us. Being alone is a choice.
Whatever road you are walking on, if you find yourself in the dark, reach out. There is someone who wants to take your hand and guide the way into the light. Reach out and you will find the comfort you seek. There is peace and help for you. You have to choose to accept it.
Last but not least, it looks like we will welcome the new addition to our family in November. The baby is healthy and fine. Needless to say we are very excited.
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