Today I learned to understand forgiveness and patience a little better. I offered my children the opportunity to go and do something fun when they finished their chores. Instead of getting their chores done so they could go have a great time they decided to bicker, fight, complain, procrastinate and everything else that kept them from having what they wanted.
I would usually become angry with them and try to encourage them to get the work done. Encouragement would start with positive things and then gradually become threats. Needless to say I would stress myself out and only end up contributing to their chaos. The phrase "forgive them for they know not what they do" Jesus said in the scriptures came to mind. Followed by a quote from Maya Angelou, "You did what you knew how to do, when you knew better you did better."
I am only going to use this in the context of the experience of interacting with and watching my children's behavior. However, I do feel what I am going to share can apply to more and even deeper interactions between people. Also what I share is not to excuse their or anyone else's behavior or say they should be exempt from consequences. I share it to help find the patience and ability to forgive within yourself when you might otherwise not be able to.
My children are feeling things that are overwhelming them. They are feeling feelings and experiencing thoughts that they don't know what to do about and so they react, doing what they think might work to deal with what is happening to them. They are reacting out of anger, frustration, fear, etc. They do what they see as well. Being an imperfect person, as much as it pains me to admit it, I have yelled, lost my temper, and done other things that did not set a good example. I also haven't taken the time to truly show them how to make choices when they are experiencing moments like this. Most of the time I get upset and give consequences rather than giving them skills to cope and make better choices.
In other words to one degree or another, they know not what they do. And what they choose to do, they are doing because they think it will work for them. Even if what they do makes no sense, is illogical, and clearly looks irrational, somewhere their mind thinks it makes total sense. Right now they are doing what they know how to do. When they are given better skills, they will do better.
Looking at my children, their choices, and their behavior through this perspective helped me not to get caught up in the drama. In fact it helped me to find some humor in it. Like when one of my sons decided he wasn't going to do his work because he didn't want his brother to be able to "get rewarded" since he felt he had been mean to him. He didn't care that it also meant he wouldn't be able to go as well. Like I said, not logical and totally irrational.
It is also helping me to be patient and forgiving with myself. I often find myself reacting to my children's behavior. I exert patience that most of the time really isn't patience but thinly veiled irritation. I fuss at them, complain about their antics, I yell at them, I slam doors, I get angry and threaten them, etc. All of this in an effort to "encourage" them to change their own behavior and make better choices.
We joke about children not coming with instruction manuals when they are born but it really is the truth. And just because we have become parents doesn't mean we instantly know how and what to do in every situation. I was never taught how to be a mom and am only able to follow the examples I was given by people who struggled to be parents as much as I am now. I am doing the best I know how to do when I don't really know what to do at all.
So maybe it's time to put down the weapons of criticism and justification and take up the tools of patience and forgiveness. Instead of criticizing ourselves for our short comings and extending that gift to others, we might find better results if we can be patient with our mistakes and forgive ourselves. A mistake is nothing more than an opportunity to learn or teach. A mistake simply shows you what doesn't work. When you see that it doesn't work simply move on to another strategy that can work. You keep doing that until you succeed. Nothing more, it's that easy or at least it can be that simple and easy.
Is there someone in your life who would benefit from the patience and forgiveness you can offer from this viewpoint? Maybe that person is you. In either case I know that this is a life changing perspective if you choose to see it that way.
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